Spinning off the new movie, Twilight, Jonalyn Grace Fincher writes a most thoughtful and provocative post on the search for the “perfect man,” intimating that such perfection is, unfortunately, just a bit un-human. I believe she’s hit on some very deep yet not oft-discussed motivations of the female heart. (Not that the search for the perfect, completing mate is limited to the female sex.)
The heroine is captivated by the perfect man: lovely body, rich, well-dressed and someone better than her, a man both strong and consuming. This is a formula the Bronte sisters introduced in the characters of Heathcliff (Wuthering Heights) and Mr. Rochester (Jane Eyre). Men who were passionate, gifted in lifting their beloved into irrational, but sumptuous heights of erotic love. Men who were powerful, rich, darkly handsome, mysterious, even controlling [and] sometimes cruel, but so dang sexy. They were irresistible.
Fincher sees this phenomenon in Genesis 3:16: “Your desire shall be for your husband and he will rule over you.”
But is this our doom? She writes,
We cannot dream of a romance between “unequals”, and then expect a marriage of mutual love and respect, of partnership, unity, sexual satisfaction and enduring warmth. If we expect that a man with the prowess of a Mr. Rochester or a vampire-powered Edward will appear in our lives, we can safely assume that 20 years into our marriage we will find ourselves much more like Mrs. Bennet in Pride and Prejudice than Mrs. Elizabeth Darcy.
And offers a litmus test:
If a fashion, idea or romance mocks either the limitations or realities of our humanity, it is not worthy of imitation. Jesus never mocked our limitations, instead he embodied them, so that being human would be, once again, something glorious.
What do you think? Is the female desire for a male, human savior archetypal, bred in every fiber of our being from the time of Eve? Or is such desire actually a misplaced desire for our true Savior, Jesus Christ? Men, what do you think of the other side of this coin — the male desire to “possess” the perfect female?
All – please comment on Ms. Fincher’s post.
I believe that all longing is fundamentally a longing for God. My husband is God’s creature, created in His image. He reflects God’s character and God’s glory. I should be in awe of him. I should see a natural beauty that leaves me speechless and hungry. But, my hunger should not result in my putting my husband on a pedestal. Rather, my hunger should point me to the One who shaped my husband.
To put my husband on a pedestal is to treat him as an idol. Intimacy is blocked because a proper distance must be maintained between worshipers and the object of their worship. Idolatry puts my husband in the position of never failing and of being responsible to save me from loneliness. That corrupts my husband and leaves me blind and needy.
Instead of idolizing my husband, I believe that God calls me to see him as the man God wants him to become. When I married my husband, I made a radical commitment to love him as he is, all the while longing for him to become who he is not yet. There is no standing still.
P.S. Beautiful, thoughtful post, Bonnie! Welcome to the blogging team!
Yay, Bonnie, welcome to the team ! (I’m sure that you and Marilyn are working on your bio’s, right…ahem…).
And, Marilyn, I really agree with you that idolizing a spouse is a recipe for disaster (even if all seems right on the outside—on the inner walls of the heart, the wrong god is on the throne).
I loved that post and I really enjoy Jonalyn’s thinking. Her book, Ruby Slippers, was really well done, I think. She’s someone who came from a very conservative background concerning women’s roles and has really had a lot of thinking to do, lots of Scripture searching, to discover what God was thinking about when He made women… I could relate to that a lot!
I liked these paragraphs of her post a lot:
Miller’s words point to something that still plagues the daughters of Eve. “Your desire shall be for your husband and he will rule over you” (Gen 3:16). As modern and updated as we look, we still slide easily into living this reality. As I’ve said elsewhere, if this is a judgment of God then we do not need to enforce it. We’ll find this state of things everywhere we look: women longing for their man and men ruling women, and neither interested in fixing the problem.
I have a theory that popular literature (be it Captivating or Twilight) feeds this zeitgeist by (respectively) dressing it up with Bible verses or entrancing us with eroticism. Both underscore our conviction that this is just the way men and women behave, these are the longings we have been dealt–and God means us to live this judgment. (For my argument against this conviction see the last chapter in Ruby Slippers).
I think that Fincher’s observations about desire are a lot more applicable to women, through history, than the idea that “desire” means a desire to dominate/rule.
I think that we men sometimes long for the perfect wife. Sometimes she might resemble the images we are bombarded with on TV, billboards, and on magazine covers. Yet in our hearts many of us understand that that image is shell. There may be little underneath it. (I’m trying to get at the idea of “beautiful on the inside as well as on the outside.)
I think that men have a longing for something better in relationship with their wives. We, like women, want greater intimacy also. Some of us aren’t able to express that very well, of course.
I wonder if the longing for something better is part of the overall longing each of us has, whether female or male, married or not, young or old, for greater intimacy, greater understanding, more unconditional love, that longing that is the God-shaped vacuum that Pascal talked about. I’ve been part of discussions about this in the past with friends. Ultimately, I think that all of our human relationships, including those in our marriages, will disappoint us. I think that only God can fill that vacuum. I confess that I basically only know this truth from church songs, theology, and discussions. I haven’t experienced this kind of intimacy with God, but I sometimes am honest enough with myself to sense that he is longing for this kind of relationship with me. I still try to fill the void with human relationships and material “toys”. At some level, however, I think I realize that relationships and toys will always disappoint, to one degree or another.
I don’t know how much this longing is gender-differentiated. It may be true that a majority of men want to “possess” a wife. I’m finding it difficult right now to get my brain around that concept. I did pursue my wife and I believe we love each other even more now than when we married nearly 36 years ago. But she has been no plaything or object to possess. She’s a confident, strongwilled, accomplished partner, a true equal.
I’m sorry for wandering around in my comment but this is about the best I can do, and I don’t mind wandering around since I think that you have posted on a very important topic, Bonnie. It’s one that we who follow Christ need to be aware of, especially if we are committed to being true to our spouses and not fantasizing about some unattainable other.
Welcome Bonnie. And I concur this was an excellent post and subject. It hit a core nerve with me, which I may share about later.
And Marilyn I very much appreciated what you said also. Well put.
Wayne, that was some good thunkin’. You raise some good points… I was wondering to, while responding to Marilyn’s comments about spousal idolatry, just how much of this is gender-differentiated vs. how much of this is just that longing for ultimate fulfillment (intended to be found Godward) and yet, like you said, the hole is often filled with substitutes of all kinds, always to our own eventual disatisfaction/disappointment.
How much meaning was intended to come from the original pre-Fall relationship between man and woman? It seems like it was intended to be rich and meaningful…I think…?
How much of that meaningful companionship is possible now (in a world where we were promised right off the bat that the relationship would be no different than the struggle to reap a crop from a ground that would only yield through frustrating and sweaty toil)?
It’s hard to know. I can only look at those around me with great relationships, and they have somehow found that mysterious balance, where they feel very much connected with each other, and yet neither one is living on a pedastal, neither one exalted to a place higher than Fallible Human.
the first link in the post is broken
What a joy to wakeup this morning and read these marvelous comments! You folks out West did some mighty blogging while those of us out East were sleeping!
Thanks, again, Bonnie for a post that encourages us to think deeply about what will always be a core struggle for all of us!
Charis, the link has double http://. Delete the first one and the link will work.
I really enjoyed Jonalyn’s post. It really gave me a lot to look at and think about, especially in discussions with my sister on this very subject.
The attraction of the dark, brooding alpha-male is understandable, but all it takes is a good step backwards to see how it can be very unhealthy it can be to be involved with someone like that. It upsets me, however, that to desire that (and even end up married to someone like that) is talked about as Biblical and “perfect.” The excitement and initial “fulfillment” is understandable, but, like the author said, you can end up unfulfilled and unhappy like Mrs. Bennett, instead of having an equal, fulfilling, challenging-each-other kind of relationship Elizabeth Bennett was able to find with Mr. Darcy.
And to answer the question, I personally don’t think that desiring Mr. Rochester or Edward is ingrained in a woman’s heart. I think women desire a companion in human form on a deeper intimacy level than friendship, which can be related to our desire for Jesus. I honestly don’t know if it’s misplaced desire, but I would think that the desire becomes all-consuming and the focus is misplaced, which, I guess, in turn misplaces the desire.
Sorry this comment rambles a little bit– I’m having issues formulating my thoughts into coherant sentences
Thanks for the warm welcome, everyone, and great comments! (sorry about the link — I think I fixed it.)
Marilyn, I think that what you said about seeing your husband both as the beautiful man God made him and wants him to become is right on, although unfortunately this isn’t something that’s been traditionally taught even for Christian marriages. It took me a long, long time to realize that this is how God wants us to see everyone we come in contact with! Our work as Christian believers is to do what we can to help them become the person God wants them to be.
Molly, I tend to agree with you on the meaning of “desire” in Gen. 3:16.
Wayne, bless you, what you said about men and billboards/the media, as well as longing for something better in their relationships, is almost exactly what my dear husband said to me a few weeks ago! He said that culture, esp. media and advertising, give men no breaks! At every turn, they reinforce all sorts of illusions, stereotypes, and bad habits of thinking. I told him, yeah, I think men have it worse in that department! Women are tempted by things in advertising too, but honestly, if every billboard & TV show had an intriguing, gorgeous man (or more) on it, women would be much more in the situation that men are in. (Although of course they can find these images, in words, in the ubiquitous romance novel. But those take a little more time, effort, & $. Sorry about the tangent
) Thanks, Wayne, for your beautiful comment, and I hope more men will weigh in!
The issues Fincher raises in her post hit close to home for me as well, and there’s really a lot here we could talk about.
Stray thoughts here… I wonder if the “desire to be possessed/to possess” might have their roots in a desire to be valued on the part of women and a desire for power and safety from rejection on the part of men. I haven’t really thought this through; it just line of popped into my head.
There’s a wish for a magical solution to very real-world identity and relationship struggles. I found J. F. ’s description of Japanese fashion trends to be really insightful here …
By the by, thanks for keeping the blog up and running. I’ll say a prayer or three for what you’re trying to do here. Blessed are the peacemakers . . .
Oops-should be “kind of” not “line of” in my first post.
I always wondered if the desire for the perfect man stemmed out of my own laziness. I have this in myself and wondered if anyone had similar experiences.
If he is a perfect Christian man with all the answers to Biblical questions, then I do not have to study for myself, but simply take his word for it.
If he is a perfect man, he will agree with me on every point and I will never have to stop to examine my position.
If he is a perfect man, then I never have to learn to love despite some flaws, I never have to choose to love.
The perfect man is usually accompanied by the perfect life and perfect kids, where displaying the fruits of the Spirit is easy and the worst sin comes in the form of taking toys.
In this “perfect life” there would be no hardship, faith would be easy, and I’d never have to face my own (numerous) shortcomings.
Just some thoughts.
Ah, great observations. That would probably be entirely true for men, too. A friend of mine and I were once noting that the ideal “wife” in the hyper-patriarchy camps is one who agrees cheerfully to everything the man says, seeks to find ways to make his life wonderful and comfortable, praises all of his ideas and works to make them reality, has the house sparkling and a fantastic dinner in the oven, and is always ready and willing in bed. (it’s kind of funny, but since it’s also actually serious, it’s kind of not!). We observed that a spouse like that really doesn’t require the man to grow in maturity or in wisdom. If he gets angry, it’s *her* job to change her tone or to pretend like she didn’t notice or to somehow help him change, for example. She’s responsible for his emotions and for the success of his dreams. Makes it very easy to be very lazy. I think many men in this camp rise above that, of course, but I also think that many men don’t.
I suppose that same dynamic is present somewhere in most other fantasies. The porn star is desired because she will give pleasure without needing the trappings of a real relationship. The controlling alpha male, the consuming man of Fincher’s article, is desirable because he frees the other partner from having to do the hard work of controlling herself. I wonder how many toxic relationships are a result of people seeking a partner (conciously or unconciously) in order to hide themselves from real growth…?
Molly wondered:
I wonder how many toxic relationships are a result of people seeking a partner (conciously or unconciously) in order to hide themselves from real growth…?
I’d guess most. Actually, the more I get to know others who are willing to let others peak inside, I’m finding out that perhaps most marriages lack the complete will on the part of each partner to grow. Much of the time it is unconscious. We often don’t have good role models. And we get simplistic answers at church.
When we realize how broken our world is, we can have a pity party, or we can try a different road where we will experience pain that we want to avoid (besides the pain that comes with avoidance).
Both complementarian and egalitarian camps need to get below the surface of their own ideologies and dig deep into the swamps we live in so we can have healthier relationships.
My inner child has a favorite song from Peter Pan, “I won’t grow up!”
It is very appealing to be able to cast away the cares of adulthood and return to childhood. And sometimes this is OK, for example, when one is sick, it is wonderful to be pampered and lose your normal responsibilities for awhile.
I don’t know. Jesus said we need to “become as children”
I remember one time when God really impressed upon me that the responsibility is HIS and I can put my hand in HIS just like a little child does
It was several years back when gasoline went over $3 and my beloved husband was making 24K annually, single income, family of 10, I was soooo very tempted to worry. I have a long history of being a worrier. Worry is sin, lack of faith. I confessed my temptation to sin because gas was so high and we use a lot of it (living in the boonies).
GOD reminded me that HE is my FATHER in heaven and HE knows our needs.
GOD reminded me to TRUST HIM.
GOD took away my anxiety and gave me peace.
Circumstances didn’t change but my heart had peace.
GOD wasn’t doing any hand-wringing over the price of gasoline.
GOD LOVES me and GOD is trustworthy. Matt 6:25-34 and Phil 4:6-7
Sorry, that’s off topic, but being childlike is the goal in some respects.
Yes, childlike but not childish. We ARE to have a childlike faith in God.
If we were able to really peak inside of each other’s psyche, I suspect we would find that we are all children at heart, struggling through some stage of growth towards hopeful maturity. How can we imagine it any other way. The average lifespan today is under 90. Adam and Eve had their lives cut short and they lived till slightly under 1000 yrs. Facts are that today’s humans don’t have a chance to fully grow up and become mature wise humans as God intended. Some of us manage to acquire a few crumbs and we flock to them for help.
We are all in deep kimchee!
But thankfully, our Heavenly Father is here to help us out!
I like the new space here. I haven’t been around for a while and missed the move. I will probably be doing more reading than anything else.
Reading the comments has given some good food for thought about relationships.
I was one of those attracted to the dark, moody, thinking man who was way above me intellectually, but that might be because I am dark, moody, thinking and wanting to be intellectual:-). I married that man and found out that he was a total nut as well–more than he was dark, moody (he is still the thinking, intellectual guy that I thought he was), but that is good because we keep each other on an even keel. And he is a constant challenge to my thinking and provider of books of many pages that he wants to read with me:-). That said to say this– I also thing temperment will play a big part in who you are attracted to as well as your life experience (being used to seeing a marriage–parents–and wanting yours to be that way or please, no, anything but that).
And I agree with Marilyn very much about the longing for God being found in the longing for our spouse. God said that the husband wife relationship was good, and I would think that included a certain longing and desire which was there prefall. Sin can mess up these longings with misunderstanding and other things, but I wouldn’t say the initial longings to be sinful and instead should be a picture to us of how we should be longing for the Lover of our souls. Now how you respond to unfulfilled longings might get you into problems if you don’t turn those longings over to the Lord and find your fulfillment in Him as we all should ultimately.
That said, I have a hard time seeing the desire for her husband as just a longing for him because of an irresistability thing, though I Fincher’s provoking thoughts. Also, having reading up on some of the British queens and princesses I see there is often an unbridled desire for power and dominion over not just husbands but kingdoms. So I can see the rational for “desire” being one of rule and dominion.
Also should add. I know next to nothing about Twilight and am totally not attracted to the dude with the wild hair:-). Just in case you were wondering. Not that you were at all.
Bonnie,
Let me extend a glad welcome to you on the Complegalitarian blog as well!
Wonderful post. I like how it challenges women (and men too) to think about what we find attractive in the ultra-alpha male character and why.
The word “desire”…many commentaries speak of the “desire” in Gen 3:16 to mean to “want to have power over” or “usurp.” How does that exactly speak to the type of desire (for vampires!) women commonly experience for the alpha-male type?
Lelitia, my quick thought is do they really want that type of man or do they just think they do based on books, movies and even wrong teaching (some patr. teaching) of what a “real” man is supposed to be (nature vs. nurture). And also what do some women do to try to get that alpha-male–use their feminine wiles (or browbeating their husbands). Many women who want to live the patriarchal “dream” because they believe that it is biblical, try to force, nag, suggests, leave around reading material, etc. in order to mold their man into their ideal. If the man suddenly decided to be the alpha-male of their dreams, I think many would be put out that their reasonable, easy going man no longer could be molded by them.
Give me my gentle man any day.
Hi Letitia,
Thanks for the welcome, and your comment, and your question! (Just an aside…I’m in a hotel lobby on my laptop after midnight & the place is hopping — the lounge is pumping out the tunes, and the cigarette smoke — and it’s so…surreal! In a way it puts me in a frame of mind to mull this “dark, edgy romance thing”!)
I’m certainly not the Gen. 3:16 scholar, but a lot of the commentary I’ve come across seems to me to interpret Genesis through a Pauline lens, rather than a strictly Genesis lens. The “desire” mentioned in 3:16 is echoed in Gen. 4:7, speaking of sin’s desire for a person. The Hebrew interlinear translates it as “impulse.” I’ve also seen it rendered “yearning” or “hunger.” Could this be an impulse, yearning, or hunger to dominate? Perhaps, except it is set againt the husband’s domination (“and he shall rule over, or dominate, you.”) This is why I lean toward believing it refers to the “irrational,” as Jonalyn Fincher puts it, female yearning for a man to, um, completely “have” her.
There’s an intriguing and provocative article at The Atlantic on the Twilight phenomenon, especially among pubescent girls. I’m not so sure that this emotional proclivity to “yearn” completely goes away, actually, regardless of a woman’s age…and I also can’t help but wonder how much it has to do with a woman’s relationship with her father.
[...] desire desire desire desire… can be a twisted pathetic thing which leads to MUCH pain she has made her husband an idol until the pain is soooo great… that she cries out unto GOD “WHO shall deliver [...]
It was encouraging to me to see this post about my Unhuman post. Thank you all for caring about this problem.
One quick note, as an off-subject challenge to Donjo and Charis. I do not believe Jesus ever asks us to have childlike faith. In the passage in Matthew 18:3-4, Jesus tells us what childlike trait we DO need, I’ll leave you to check it out. Thought that might be helpful in applying this trait to our male-female relationships.
Glad for your work here!
Mat 18:1 At that time the disciples came to Jesus, saying, “Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?”
Mat 18:2 And calling to him a child, he put him in the midst of them
Mat 18:3 and said, “Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.
Mat 18:4 Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.
Humility?
Good point! Yes, we all need that.
Here is what I was referring to:
Mar 10:13 And they were bringing children to him that he might touch them, and the disciples rebuked them.
Mar 10:14 But when Jesus saw it, he was indignant and said to them, “Let the children come to me; do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God.
Mar 10:15 Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it.”
Mar 10:16 And he took them in his arms and blessed them, laying his hands on them.
Luk 18:15 Now they were bringing even infants to him that he might touch them. And when the disciples saw it, they rebuked them.
Luk 18:16 But Jesus called them to him, saying, “Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God.
Luk 18:17 Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it.”
In my understanding, “receiving the Kingdom” is to be done with a childlike faith, that is, the faith that a child has in trusting their parents to act in the child’s best interests even if the child does not understand, such as holding hands when crossing a street, etc.