I quit, guest post by Codepoke (Kevin Knox)

My last post consciously about the place of women in the church or family was back in October of 2007. The title of this post, therefore, refers to a past event, not to something that just happened. I didn’t quit intentionally, but Wayne’s struggles to maintain the Complegalitarian blog put me to thinking about why I laid down my sword. And then, having found words for the reason, I thought I’d share them here.

I hold a committed Egalitarian position, but only after long struggle and doubts. I believe every single verse of scripture supports the right of God to gift a woman to hold any position in the church, and to expect her to use those gifts – but that confidence came only after 20 years of searching. There was a long period where wish I’d been more honest about my doubts about certain verses, but we learn as we go. I’ll be honest that I still have doubts about how a Christian marriage should look. I’ve watched Complementarian arguments abused to hurt wives, but I still cannot declare my position on the key verses with assurance.

I first came to hold Egalitarianism in the church and in the home because I met several high quality women after they’d been destroyed either by their own churches or with those churches’ explicit approval. These churches crushed women beyond repair, women who had served those same churches faithfully for years. None of these much-loved sisters of mine will ever be fully functioning people again, because of what was done to them in the name of scripture.

The best bible teacher I ever knew was disallowed from teaching some of the best students because of her sex and theirs – and mine. I was beside myself. I was expected to find a male teacher, but there were none. I lived in a town of 3000, and to all appearances, none of the men there had the first appetite for historical doctrine. I wanted desperately to have a spiritual father, but it was not to be.

So pain drove me into the scriptures with passion. I needed to know what God would have His churches do and I jumped in with both feet. I was also conscious of the need for a lot of caution. I knew my strong prejudices, so I took it slow. I did not declare a thing until I felt like it could withstand every honest examination. Some arguments I made confidently in 1986, some waited until 2006, but eventually I felt like I understood the subject to my satisfaction.

And now I’ve quit.

Why on Earth would I do that?

Women are still being hurt, and students are still being denied the solid meat of good teaching. I’ve not quit caring about those facts and other like them. So why have I quit fighting the good fight?

It’s very simple. I attend a Complementarian church filled with Complementarian brothers and sisters, and I love them.

The people who fill my church every week are not lying Pharisees anxiously seeking a chance to shatter the next innocent woman who stumbles into their grasp. They’re not Complementarian saints crawling across glass to build up the weaker vessels in their lives, either. They’re brothers and sisters just like me, pursuing the Lord with the doctrine they’ve received and the portion of the Spirit they’ve been given. I’ve come to respect and love them, and to treasure my relationships with them.

I will oppose them the day they destroy a innocent woman, but they’re not like that. Christ lives in their hearts, and they consistently build up the women in their lives. To go to war against these brothers and sisters would drive a wedge between us. I won’t divide from them for believing something wrong while they’re doing the main thing right.

There’s a mistake among legalists the world over. They plant hedges around their laws. They believe it’s wrong to drink blood, so they become vegetarians. They believe it’s wrong to become drunk, so they eschew magazines that advertise vodka. There’s nothing wrong with hedges, of course. If a man decides to forego steak and The Week Magazine to make sure he’s obeying the spirit of God’s law, I’ll stand back and let him.

It gets tricky, though.

If, as a committed Egalitarian, I pitch my case to my church with all the passion in my heart, I’m going to damage relationships. My brothers and sisters cannot all handle my freedom to be Egalitarian. Even though I am Egalitarian before God and with a clean conscience, I risk severing bonds of love with my brothers and sisters. More than that, I risk creating a faction and splitting the body of Christ.

If I do that, I’ve trampled a Law to protect a Hedge.

The Law is that I must be of one mind with my brother, and build him up in love. The Law is that my brother must protect and love his sisters. My fear, the fear that teaches me to put up a Hedge, is that my Complementarian brother might feel licensed to hurt his sister. In trying to head off a hurt that might never be dealt, I would have to alienate brothers. If I break the Law of Love to protect the Hedge of Doctrine, I’ve become the man in the wrong.

Not so many years ago I’d have been willing to split a church over Egalitarianism. I’d have felt justified by the remnant who sided with me. Paul would have rebuked me, though, and did so in Romans 14. (We all really need to know Romans 14 the same way we know 1 Corinthians 13.  If you have a heart for doctrine, there’s no better chapter to test its reins.) But Romans 14 is not really about the Egalitarian debate, so I’m going to look at 1 Cor 11.

1Cor 11:10 For this cause ought the woman to have power on [her] head because of the angels.

I believe most Egals would agree the gist of Paul’s message throughout this passage is that the woman has the right to determine for herself whether, for the sake of her husband, to cover her head. Paul’s argument (in my favorite assessment) is that neither the woman nor the man should cover their heads, but if the man feels he must cover his head, then the woman is free to cover hers for his sake.

I see Paul’s Romans 14 argument in full force here. Paul is saying that the spiritually strong, the doctrinally upright, the woman purely committed to prayer, should pray with her head uncovered. But if she feels she should pray with her head covered, then she is not disgracing her Lord. Paul just finished saying 6 verses earlier that anyone praying with covered head does exactly that!

(Comps, I understand your contrary view of Paul’s statement 6 verses earlier, but please indulge me here.)

Paul tells his brothers and sisters in Corinth exactly what he told their brothers and sisters in Rome. Do not cause each other to stumble for meat, or holy days, or prayer shawls, even though disagreement in ANY of these things might be deeply offensive to either party.

I’ve already gone on way too long here, and I hope you’ll forgive me.

There’s an inherent risk in intellectual debate. We might begin to think the debate matters. It doesn’t. Knowledge builds egos, when we need to be building love. Building with love is to building with knowledge as building with stone is to building with wood. When the crisis comes, correct doctrine won’t shelter any of us from the fire, no matter which of us is right. And yet love will shelter Egals and Comps equally.

Paul counseled those who freely ate meat not to trip up those who could only eat vegetables, but he did not tell everyone to become vegetarians. He didn’t even tell the omnivores to give up trying to build up the vegetarians in faith and maturity. It’s for God to decide what He means for a church or a family to look like, but when He sits to decide who’s “right,” He’ll be evaluating actions for love, not theories for leaks.

I remain an Egalitarian, and happily explain why every time I’m asked. I remain a brother first, though. And I trust my brothers to remain brothers as well.

I’m a lot happier this way.